I recently had the fortune of going to a Kitchen Tea event for a close friend and one of the ‘games’ included asking all the guests to write on a wooden spoon some advice for a long and happy marriage. I was grateful that the “Losada ratio” came to mind (more on that later!). Applying this technique has personally made a tangible difference to the quality of my close relationships!
It made me curious to take a closer look at other gems that positive psychology research has shown to build happier, more rewarding relationships. The best thing is, these are not just fluffy concepts or platitudes, these are tried and tested techniques that you can learn and have been proven to build more positive relationships.
Take a closer look with me…
Why are positive social connections so important to our wellbeing?
There is no denying the profound effect positive relationships, or their absence, have on our wellbeing, health and happiness. Human beings have a basic need to belong – it is an evolutionary, biological drive.
Positive relationships provide us with support in times of crisis and they amplify our joy by allowing us to share in the good times. In relationship we experience love, comfort and acceptance, adding meaning and purpose to our lives.
They create for us an “upward spiral”. The more time, energy and effort we put into building more positive relationships, the more we experience positive emotions. The happier we are the more we attract higher-quality relationships which in turn, make us happier!
It is a continuous positive feedback loop. Investing in building more positive relationships is one of the most powerful strategies to boost happiness.
5 ways to build more positive relationships:
1. Communicate using active and constructive responding: This is about taking delight in the good fortune and success of your friends and loved ones. How we respond to our loved ones when they’re sharing their good news can either build our relationships or undermine them.
Active and constructive responding is when you demonstrate a genuine interest, ask lots of questions, encourage your loved one to relive the event with you, and reflect back to them that you share their joy. At the other end of the continuum there is “passive-destructive” and “active-destructive” responding where respectively the good news is ignored or the response given is openly critical or dismissive.
If active and constructive responding doesn’t come naturally to you, remember it is a skill that you can cultivate. Practise it diligently every day, and it can become a habit. Notice how people respond to you as you grow more skilled. You are likely to find that people like you better; they will seek you out and want to be in your company more often. You’re likely to find that it will boost your self-esteem and confidence.
This is a simple strategy that will teach you to be more generous, giving, engaged and involved and the benefits of building positive relationships sets the upward spiral of joy and wellbeing firmly into action.
2. Be positive! Understand and observe the Losada Ratio: This is the ratio of positive to negative statements and demonstrates how important it is to balance expressions of gratitude, admiration and affection with criticism.
Research has shown that to sustain a relationship you need a minimum of three positive statements for every critical statement. If you want your relationships to flourish, aim for a ratio of 5:1. It is called the Losada ratio after the chap who discovered this fact. There is a point of diminishing returns though, above 13:1 and you lose your credibility. The praise or positive feedback needs to be genuine and heartfelt for this ratio to hold.
3. Give your relationships time and priority: healthy, flourishing relationships require some effort! Make time to talk and to listen on a regular basis, to reconnect and hear about what’s happening in each other’s lives.
I like the idea of creating a “routine to reunite”, a phrase coined by Sonja Lyubomirsky, author and pioneering Positive Psychologist – it could be going for a walk together, sitting down with a cup of tea, or making a meal together. You could try a weekly or monthly ritual of a shared experience you both relish.
My personal favourite is sharing a ‘gratitude dinner’ with your partner, family or friends. This is where you come together with the express intention of sharing love and appreciation, to celebrate successes, where there is no talk of problems or stresses. If you have the fortune of trying a degustation menu, share a toast to something joyful with every course. Ensure you are all in the mood and can make the commitment to sharing this intention, otherwise it won’t work.
4. Stay connected: We can connect with our friends and loved ones via the small, everyday things that happen in our lives as well as a sense of shared rituals, dreams and goals. These are the things that bind us together and help create a feeling of shared experience.
One useful tip for couples is to find out what is happening in your partner’s day before they leave so that you have something to ask them about when they return. This demonstrates that you are interested in knowing the details of your partner’s day, allowing you to get a better understanding of them and their reality and communicating that you care.
If you’d like to know more about the principles of happy marriage then your go-to is John Gottman’s work. I can’t recommend his book: “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” highly enough. According to Gottman’s extensive research, the essential foundation for happy marriage is a deep, enduring friendship, which is best nurtured by staying connected and involved in the small, everyday things together.
5. Practise frequent hugging! Nothing beats a hug to instantly feel connected and lower stress levels. Simple and easy to give and receive.
My experience:
In my experience all of these things tend to be largely common sense and will occur quite naturally when we are feeling energetic and when the flow of life is smooth and easy. However when the going gets tough – when we are ill, stressed, in the midst of turmoil – sometimes these skills can get lost in the chaos and we can alienate ourselves just when we need the support and succour from close relationships the most.
When we find ourselves in this kind of place, and let’s be honest, who hasn’t, just touching base with these techniques can help us find our way back to a more fruitful way of relating to our loved ones and to promote healing once the dust has settled.
Love to all,
Suz xx
References: For more information about research and exercises on active and constructive responding and the Losada ratio, see Martin Seligman’s book entitled “Flourish”.
For further exercises on building positive relationships I recommend Sonja Lyubomirsky’s book, “The How of Happiness”.
John Gottman’s seminal work, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” is a must for anyone interested in seeing their marriage succeed.
Suzy is available for counselling, coaching and private yoga sessions at her consulting room in Cammeray, Sydney, home visits, coaching via phone or skype, and ‘walk & talk’ sessions by appointment.
Contact Suzy at: suzy@suzyreading.co.uk
Follow Suzy at: www.facebook.com/SuzyReadingPsychologyAndYoga
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