Of the 12 happiness-boosting strategies I introduced in “Self-Care Part 1”, practising forgiveness can be the most difficult – but also the most life changing. Please remember that in choosing which strategies to work with, you need to consider appropriateness, life circumstances, timing and your personality.
Given the moral and ethical issues involved, deciding when to use the strategy of forgiveness is a very personal choice. There may indeed be some events that are in fact unforgiveable. Only choose to work with the strategy of forgiveness if it resonates for you.
Central to the notion of practising forgiveness as a method for boosting happiness is an understanding that we practise forgiveness not for the benefit of our transgressors but to free ourselves.
With this in mind, let’s take a look at defining it, understanding its value and identifying some strategies to develop your capacity to forgive if you feel it is appropriate.
What is forgiveness?
In response to any transgression against us, either physical or emotional, the natural human tendency is to reciprocate with equal harm, to develop a desire to avoid whoever has harmed you, or to seek some kind of revenge, all of which can perpetuate negative consequences for you. Both trying to distance yourself from your transgressor or seeking retaliation can make you feel stuck, acted upon, or unhappy, and can damage and destroy relationships.
Practising forgiveness can short-circuit this negative cycle of avoidance and retribution. From a psychological perspective the definition of forgiveness is the suppression of your motivation for avoidance or vengeance, ideally replacing it with more positive or benevolent feelings, thoughts and behaviours.
It is important to recognize that forgiveness from a psychological perspective is not reconciliation, it does not necessitate a re-establishment of relationship with the transgressor, nor is it pardoning, condoning, or excusing what was done or a denial of the injury caused.
Importantly, from this perspective forgiveness does not require a process of forgetting either; rather the nature of the harm is contemplated and a shift in thinking and action is required.
How then do you know that you have forgiven someone? It occurs when your desire to harm or avoid that person has diminished and ideally your desire to do them good has increased.
What are the benefits of practising forgiveness?
Again, I want to emphasize that we forgive for our benefit, not for the person who has wronged us, and if we have strong reasons not to forgive then that is ok too. We forgive because it frees and heals us.
Leading positive psychologist and researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky* summarizes the findings as follows: people who practise forgiveness are ‘less likely to be hateful, depressed, hostile, anxious, angry and neurotic. They are more likely to be happy, healthier, more agreeable and serene’.
The inability to forgive is associated with conflict in relationships, persistent overthinking and difficulty in letting go and moving on, and can even manifest in physical ill-health. Holding on to bitterness, hostility and resentment harms us so learning how to forgive is good for our mental, emotional and physical health.
7 Strategies cultivating the ability to forgive:
1. Acknowledge and appreciate an experience of being forgiven – think of a time when you yourself have been forgiven. Remember what it was that you were forgiven for and how that forgiveness was communicated. Recall your response to being forgiven. Why do you think they chose to forgive you? Consider how you benefited, how your relationship benefited and whether they also benefited? Reflect on what you learnt from that experience. Does this give you any greater insight into your current situation?
Another alternative is to seek forgiveness for yourself. Write an apology letter recognizing your error, showing that you understand the harm that resulted and directly apologizing for the behavior. It is your choice whether you send this letter.
2. Imagine forgiveness – think of a person who you feel has wronged you. Imagine empathizing with and granting this person forgiveness. Try to see the situation through the eyes of the offender, and see this person as a whole rather than defining them by their offending actions.
Remember this is not about condoning, tolerating or excusing the behavior but about letting go of your anger and hurt and trying to adopt a more benevolent perspective. Consider your thoughts, physical sensations and actions in as much detail as possible – what exactly would you say and how would it make you feel.
3. Write a letter– write a letter granting forgiveness; again it is your choice as to whether you send it. Consider in detail the transgression and its effects on you. State what you wish the transgressor had done instead and complete it by stating your forgiveness and understanding.
Go gently here and if it is too distressing choose another person or event to forgive, or work with a different happiness-boosting strategy altogether until you feel ready to return to this issue. Consider working through it with the support of a psychologist if you need help moving past this event.
4. Practise empathy – empathy is closely related to forgiveness and can be defined as the vicarious experience and understanding of another person’s thoughts, feelings and actions. It can also involve feelings of warmth, care, concern and compassion for that person. Building your capacity to empathize can also make it easier to forgive.
To practise empathy in everyday life, whenever you notice someone doing something that you don’t understand, spend some time reflecting on what that person’s motivation or underlying thoughts and feelings might have been. Consider asking them if possible.
5. Shift attributions from negative to charitable – consider writing a letter that you would like to receive from a transgressor, an apology letter to you. What is it you’d like to hear from them and can you generate any possible explanations for their conduct? Does this give you any greater insight into the situation or does it allow your thoughts or feeling to shift to a more positive perspective?
6. Stop overthinking – ruminating on a situation in which you have been wronged makes it very difficult to forgive and move on. Every time you remember the event you are reliving the feelings of hurt, anger and betrayal, and this only serves to harm you. Read my piece: “Strategies to shake off overthinking”.
7. Countering bitter thoughts – Every time you find yourself slipping into uncharitable, bitter or hardhearted thinking, remind yourself to soften it to something kinder, more benevolent. Make practising forgiveness a daily habit.
I wish you the best of luck and fortitude if you choose to work with this strategy and hope you feel powerfully liberated by your forgiveness.
Love to all,
Suz xx
* References:
For a comprehensive summary of emerging research on forgiveness and its effects on happiness see “The How of Happiness” by Sonja Lyubomirsky.
Suzy is available for counselling, coaching and private yoga sessions at her consulting room in Cammeray, Sydney, home visits, coaching via phone or skype, and ‘walk & talk’ sessions by appointment.
Contact Suzy at: suzy@suzyreading.co.uk
Follow Suzy at: www.facebook.com/SuzyReadingPsychologyAndYoga
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